A quote straight from my heart

“Being born a woman is my awful tragedy. Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars—to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording—all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yet, God, I want to talk to everybody I can as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night.”

—	Sylvia Plath

Severe Stress & Anxiety

Are kinda running rampant in my life right now. The next month is gonna be killer, and Tuesdays & Thursdays I will be at school for 10+ hours. So I know I need to blog, but for right now I'm just trying to focus and believe this:

Late night truths

Hey.
I'm a bisexual who prefers men. But that might change.
And.
I really miss church. I miss singing praise and worship, and raising my hands to God.
I miss singing "out God is an awesome God, He reigns..." with my voice, my heart, and everything inside me.

A story

Once I knew a little boy who thought he was an adult, and he spent his whole life at a party laughing, smoking and drinking. What he couldn't see was that everyone at the party was just a little child, wearing a mask and crying, silently wondering what had gone wrong. Wondering when they had traded in their dreams for a mask, and their hope for a fake smile.

You know what I want?

I want to not be turned off by someone listing Christianity as their religion.
I want to feel accepted by my Christian friends, and not feel like they are "loving the sinner but hating the sin".
I want a job that I feel useful in, one that makes a difference.
I want to see my inner beauty when I see a picture of myself.
I want a man to love me. Or a woman.
I want to pursue guys and girls, and I want the world to be okay with that.
I want my parents to understand that I can't always pull everything off, and that I'm sorry.
I want to go to counseling for my anxiety disorder and not feel weird about that.
I want my friends to ask me to hang out even if I have to say no often.
I want to say yes more when my friends ask me to hang out.
I want to feel like my life has a purpose right now, not just later once I have my degree.
I want to hold babies more, because I miss them.
I want to volunteer, because I believe that it's good for your heart.
I want to tell my friend that I love him.
I want to not have to pretend to have it all together in my own house.
I want to use some of my graduation money to get a tattoo, and not feel guilty.
I want to hug a guy.
I want to be out in nature for an entire day, and not have my phone on me the entire time.
I want someone to rub my back until I fall asleep.
I want it to be warm again.
I want creating to be a major part of my life.
I want to be in a relationship when I go to grad school.
I want to wait to get married until everyone can get married, gay or straight.
I want to record my grandparents talking about their life, and I want to not be scared that they'll die before I get a chance to.
I want to stand up when paddle boarding.
I want to love my stomach even though it's not flat.

Vlog

Tonight I vlogged, and I'm randomly proud of it, not because there's great editing or cool effects, but because I actually gathered my thoughts and had a good time! It's not just rambling, but I actually talked about what I wanted to make sure that I talked about, and I'm proud of myself!

Beauty

Age 89

Age 78

Age 66

I saw these pictures on tumblr tonight and it struck me that these women are beautiful. I just automatically thought that, and then instantly I realized that my opinion would most likely not be the normal opinion. But then I started wondering...
what if it was?
What if beauty wasn't defined by the size of your waist, the color of your eyes, the smoothness of your skin, but rather by wisdom, life experience, kindness, strength, or patience?
What if as young people, instead of being put on a pedestal for our perky breasts and toned bodies we were looked down upon because we haven't truly lived? We don't have the type of life experience our parents have, or grandparents have.
What if our elders were held up instead, our grandparents, our great grandparents, as beautiful?
What if instead of trying to get rid of wrinkles and grey hair, we were proud of them, because it meant we were getting closer to true beauty?
What if when our heart is broken, instead of thinking how unfair it is, and how you wouldn't get it broken if you could do it all over again; in your sadness you instead saw the silver lining that though your heart hurts it is bringing you one step closer to the compassion that your grandmother has, and that is what makes her so beautiful?

The world would be so incredibly different.



Link for the gallery and artist who took these awesome pictures (more on his website)