Monday, April 21, 2014

Missing piece (my long distance relationship)

When you talk to me, know that I am missing a piece of me.
A very large chunk of who I am and who I want to be is living in a different state, breathing different air.
Know that when I am sad a piece of me is often not there to hold me, but longs to do so.
A piece of me lives away but close, but never near enough, for a visit is always just a visit.
One day that piece of me will live by my side, but that day is not today, know that.
That day is not tomorrow; know that also.
Know that I am happy without my piece, but a different sort of happiness is what awaits me when my piece is with me, and I am whole.
It is a different sort of life I lead, waiting for my pieces to join, clinging them together and dreading the end of the weekend.
Monday always begins with me sitting on my bed, alone. Missing much.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Some things I've learned

Being in love doesn't mean always being happy. I'm not always happy, guys. I am however, always loved. And always loving him. But happy? Naw, not always. Fighting is a thing.

Fighting isn't bad as long as it's communication (in my humble opinion). As long as it's not hurtful on purpose, and for a purpose. As long as both people feel heard, and still cared for.

Jobs that demand a ton of attention and heart are flippin HARD and make me miss the old days of not caring. While also making me love the days of not just going through the motions at a job (even though there are days that I just phone it in).

I can't even handle that song 'Do You Wanna Build A Snowman' because it's incredibly heartbreaking and sad.

I don't pretend to be my mom anymore, when it comes to doing hard things like having meetings like a grown up. Now I know that I can be me, a person who demands respect, listens, but still doesn't take shit. I don't have to keep a nice look on my face, I just can't have "can you just shut up for a hot second?" plastered all over it.

When life is cray hectic and friends are brought up, it makes me miss only a few of my friends. I don't know when that happened, but I do think it gives me a peek into my grown up life: having friends that are awesome, but being ok with them coming and going. Having easy faith that the dear ones will always be dear.

I hate that I haven't blogged. It's messed up. I'm...gonna try and fix that!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Don't promise we won't break up

Don't promise you won't leave. That isn't what I need.

Promise that you'll love me forever.
Promise that even when we fight that your heart will still belong to me.
Promise me that when we're exhausted and we have tons of kids and it doesn't seem like we have anything in common, that you'll still hold my hand and kiss me goodnight and work on getting new shared hobbies.
Promise that when we're old you'll try your best to not look better than me, even though you'll be 2 years younger.
Promise that we'll always laugh.
But don't promise that you'll never leave.
Because that's just a given.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014


And tonight you make me want to break every mirror, because all you see in them is the shape of your body, but all I can ever see when I look at you is your huge heart inside of a body that holds mine close. You might hate your body but I know that I could never live without your body next to mine, and your eyes betray you when you look in that glass, but I dive into those same eyes and swim in our future, and it’s beautiful darling.
Just like you.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


So. Why I haven't been blogging how I used to:
In october my dog died. And I watched her die. And I breathed her last breath with her, and when I opened my eyes she was gone. And I held her and she wasn't even the same weight that she used to be, because I guess your spirit actually weighs something. And now she's in our backyard and nothing will ever be the same. And I still see her walk next to mom and I still hear her I.D. tag jingle against her collar every once in a while, and some people would say that's just a memory, but her and I both know it's not.
And I got her I.D. tag tattooed on my ribs because not having her around hurts so much, and I wanted the physical remembrance of her on my body to hurt, because nothing about losing her was easy.

And then I went through my iPod and got a lot of pictures of her, because I wanted them to not just be on that little thing, which was great because I lost it shortly after that.
So here's some pictures of my sweet girl.

And she was my oldest friend, because we got her after my uncles and grandmother and my 3 pets had died, and she really liked to lick tears. Which sounds weird, but it made her really excited and happy, which had to just make you smile. We got her when I was 8, and she was with us for 16 years. And she went deaf but was actually pretty good with sign language.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014


Cause life is happening!
Well. I have a job now! A part time, 25 hours a week, actually will help me in my life/look great on my resume/help me get into grad school type of job. It's lovely and scary and honestly if I could just get in my car and drive away from it all I would, so that must mean it's gonna be awesome!

Eric has a job. Yay yay yay. It's a very big deal for my guy, because...well he wants to put a ring on it! And this is a giant step towards that. As well as saving for our future and stuffs.

We're planning on moving in together this fall. We actually made our first purchase for our future house a few days ago, when plates were super on sale at Target, and we both liked them (without even consulting the other first! whabam!)

Sometimes I worry that my friends think that my romantic relationship overshadows the love that I have for them. So I hope you know, my dearest friends, that I could not live without Eric in my life.
And I also could not live without you. Not in a different way either. You have my heart, and you've had it for a very long time. There is no overshadowing here, I am thankful for you everyday, truly.

It's crazy how much planning moving in together takes (oh, and did I mention moving to at least a few hours away at the same time?) Yeah, that's a thing. And I kind of love it. I love the idea of a month or so before we need to move, driving up there for a weekend and trying our hardest to sign a lease. Why are we moving? We're moving so Eric can go to grad school (I'll be going to grad school online, starting at the beginning of 2015, cause ain't no way I'm gonna start school with moving, finding a full time job, and having to live with a boy)(who may or may not have COOTIES)

Getting engaged. Ok, I'm not engaged. But guys.......guys.
I can't even think about it. It's so right and it feels like it never has before. It feels like future family.

I want a power drill so bad. I can't wait to DIY stuff. I know that's not an update, but I just felt like sharing that even girls can and do use and enjoy power tools.

I've never been able to sit down with someone that I knew would be with me for the rest of my life before now. But it's happened, and to be able to plan places, and schooling, and marriage, and LIFE is amazing. You guys...I know when we plan on starting to have a family. And that is just amazing to me.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Dear Ex

(The longer I'm treated right, loved the way I deserve and cherished the way I never was in my past relationship, the more I work through my past. I'm healing and I love it.)

Dear Jonathan Ex,
When we first broke up I didn’t want to take off my ring, because I loved it so much.
In reality, much more than you loved it.
You didn’t even like me wearing it on my left ring finger, because the idea of marrying me scared you.
It scared us both, and I should’ve realized sooner.
But I moved the ring to a different finger, called it my own, and was okay.
I was okay with being friends, and sometimes still loving you, and sometimes still missing you.
You became not scared of marrying me.
I became scared of settling for you.
Eventually I took off the ring all together.
My hands were bare, but I learned to own my singleness presented in the form of ringless fingers.
Fingers intertwined with mine that were not yours.
Hands came and went but rings stayed away.
I learned to resent you, because I was finally seeing all the ways you treated me wrong.
But now…
I wear a different ring, put on my finger proudly.
I don’t resent you with a bitter heart anymore, because my heart is no longer mine.
It’s being taken care of in a way that you never did.
I am loved in a way that you never loved me.
And I am so thankful for that.
Thankful that you treated me wrong, because it drove me to a guy who only treats me right.