Monday, November 3, 2014

Sometimes you have to kick people to the curb.

I've been there. Throughout my life I've had relationships, both friendships and romantic relationships that were just plain not good. And as I've grown I've realized that hen we're younger we think that bad relationships just mean between a guy and a girl, and the guy yells or hits the girl, and that's what it means to be in a bad relationship.
But it's not. That's not the only way at least. I can tell you thatI've been in a lot more bad friendships than relationships. I've had friends that take advantage of me, or use me for my car, or treat me like I'm just there to tag a long. And although I never got yelled at, I did feel less then. I felt special when I was with them, sure, because they acted like I should feel special to be with them. But they didn't make me feel special for me. I've had a few friendships where the person just wasn't a healthy person, and that rubbed off on me. I think it helps that I can easily be a codependent person, meaning that my emotions get tied into others easily. So friendships with very selfish people pretty quickly meant that my good days were only when they were having good days, but also became so focused on them that I lost the joyous part of me.
I've had friendships where the person didn't value my time, and I ended up resenting them and exploding on them, after having many fights. Looking back I should have just ended the friendship long before it exploded, and just called it a day. I've learned that bad relationships are just because you have a bad friend, often they bring out the bad in you too. Sometimes you can be that bad friend. Sometimes it takes two to tango. I've been unhealthy for someone, and they were unhealthy for me.
And that's weirdly hard to admit, but it's true.

Once I started growing up and having different friends, I realized my worth, not in my friends but in myself. I also embraced my introvert-ness, in that I do not need to have a huge group of friends, that it is beyond ok to have a handful of extremely close friends that I hold dear. And so I do. I do not have friends that make me feel less than, or like I am a tag a long. I have people that I cherish, and that cherish me. And I have that because I have kicked people out of my life. I've walked away. I've seen a relationship or a person for what/who they were, and called it a day. I've known that I didn't want that type of negativity in my life, and blocked it off. It sucks and it can make you sound heartless, but normally when you share the why with people, the part where now you have extremely close friends who are good for you, and you are good for them, they get it. It's the whole "rain before the rainbow" type of stuff.

And I'm thankful for it.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Christian tattoos

So I'm going to be applying for grad schools this time next year, and I need to start making an art portfolio, which has led me to contacting my facebook friends and asking them the meaning behind their tattoos. Clearly I can't tell you more or else you might:
a. Rain on my parade (boo you whore!)
b. Steal my idea (rude!)

And I'm finding that a ton of my friends have Christian meanings behind their tattoos, because even though I'm not a Christian, I used to go to a Christian school (how many times in a sentence can I use the word 'Christian' you may ask? Apparently way more than I would have ever hoped.) and it's hard, because...I wasn't planning on going deep into the faith side of tattoos. I don't want to explain God in this, I just want stories. And basically...I want to tell these stories very simply. And I'm just straight up not a fan of explaining God in a simple way. I find that if I tell you that "I got this tattoo because I love Jesus!" a lot of you might think "Oh geesh." roll your eyes and walk away (mentally at least, you're too polite to actually walk away), and you know what, I'd be joining you.

Now don't get me wrong, the stories I've gotten so far aren't cliche! Mainly because they've been explained in paragraph form, and I know that these awesome people aren't preaching at me, they really choose to live life with God at the front and center of it, and I can respect them for it because they aren't hateful people, quite the opposite.

But remember. I wanted this to be simple. Not cliche. Not long.
And honestly, not Godly.
But I also wanted it to be real. To be people I know. To be people that even though I don't keep up with them, our lives have touched, even if it's through a friend of a friend who is hooking up two people who love tattoos.

I don't want to make up these people. I want these to be real stories, with real skin and real ink.
But dangit...I just don't want it to be 20 pages of Jesus.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

A Photo Dump

Since I've been making a ton of videos lately my hard drive has been filling up more and more, so I finally went through my iPhoto and deleted everything I could/transferred a ton of pictures to my external hard drive (ie Harold the Hard Drive). While doing this I pulled some favorite photos of mine, and also for the first time set aside photos of me that I love/think really represents my quirky nature, because as I get older I more and more would love to see pictures of my parents at the age I'm at now, so I'm purposefully setting aside these photos that maybe my kids will want to look at in 20ish years.
So here's those pictures, and if you want to see them larger, just click on them!

He sat like this naturally, and declared the box to be his


Steph and I acting like the teddy bear is our child

Her faces are always great

These 2 will always be my favorites I think

My first piece of art in an art show (and it sold!)

I've totally had someone laugh at this picture, but obviously they have not felt the intense cold on your ears, and decided to use your cowl/scarf as a hat. 

My favorite picture of my grandparents

My favorite picture of my dad


One of the best Halloweens!

When the cats were teensie tiny

Montreal has some great street art installations

My last day in Canada, I was so happy to go home!

His eyes. I can't even.


Cristen is so deeply such a sweet person. #luckytohaveher


His teenage cat stage, where his ears are just much to big for him!

Literally us.

Big sunglasses have always been my thing.

This is my "Jen and I are Legit." face

Sunday, October 26, 2014

How do you hear?

How do you hear? When I hear this song, what I hear is different then what my best friend hears. He hears a powerful a song, but just a song. And lying here listening to this song, I am so filled with emotion. I remember singing this song with thousands of other people at a Christian conference, most of us crying, and the huge emotions and intense presence of God with us as we sang. And I still feel that, and I still hear that. I don't just hear Chris Tomlin singing it, or me singing it, but all of us. Reading the lyrics I wish that this song wasn't about "our God" and about "this nation", because I don't believe in the Christian God anymore. I just believe in God. And I think if God has anything to do with America, it's because...well, I don't really know. I don't know how God can be more or less involved with any nation, anywhere.
But God is just God to me. I don't know if he's the God that this song is singing about. I'm just not sure.
But I know that when I hear this song, I still feel those emotions. And I still want to cry and feel overwhelmed, and most of all feel not alone.

Saturday, October 25, 2014


Tonight I was a zombie in a haunted house! It was awesome getting to do scary makeup, on the way over I told my mom that if this was the norm for girls, that I would easily wear it every day. I'm just never have to worry about hiding the bags under your eyes!

Zombie Selfie! 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Funny. Obviously.

I haven't had an iPod in over a year, so needless to say my Instagram has been pretty baren as of late. But before I lost my iPod I made a video called 'The different emotions of when the guy you like stops talking to you' and it is still one of the funniest things to me.
I have weird humor.
But I find it hilarious.
So I figured I'd share it!

Click here to watch this thing!

Saturday, October 18, 2014


I sat on the aisle and I cried in short bursts, hoping that no one would notice. And I shook. I had just kissed you, my first kiss, and now I was flying back across the country, towards home. I watched the sun rise out the plane window and I wished that I had kissed you sooner, not waited so long. I wished that one day you would accept us and not feel that God hated you for loving me.
Later I would find myself wishing that I could live up to your idols. Wishing that you would love me like you loved them.
Years later I wished I had known that we fought so much because of how angry and guilty you felt, for having feelings toward me. I always knew that my family would accept me, but looking back I see how distraught you must've felt knowing how incredibly angry your family would be at you if they knew about us.

Now I wish you happiness. I have for a while now. I wish you happiness in your own skin, in your own sexuality. I hope you kiss who you long to kiss and not who your parents think you should. I hope you feel acceptance from a God that you so want to love you. I know that if God knows your heart like I knew your heart, I know that he must love you immensely.

I held your hand on this drive.