Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Breaking

I am reaching my breaking point.
Slowly, like a rope untwisting, fibers stretching taught, small fragments breaking curling in on itself.
Seemingly holding strong but getting weaker with the strain, the present strain, the added strain. The grinding happens, against and towards the fibers, in my mouth, against my molars.
Stress is hard on weak ropes and teeth.

People think that things have to visibly change for things to break, but internally is just as important as cracks on the outside. Water bubbles and boils right before you see the steam rising from the pot. Paths change in the mind often before the feet stray, so when they reach their new path the mind has known for a while where the feet were going, even if they themselves thought they were lost.

Inevitable. Sometimes shattering is inevitable. Long or short, the strain on the rope takes a toll, and most don't know when it will break. Maybe the rope doesn't even know.







But maybe it's not inevitable. Maybe the rope will hold. Who knows? I certainly don't.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

You make me happy

Sometimes when I'm alone I start thinking about that relationship not being worth it, that it's too hard and there's no way I can get over whatever pain is even making me thing that.
Then I see that person in real life, or picture seeing them waving when they see me.

And then it's all worth it.

It's like when I'm alone I can stay in my little bubble and think that I'm an island and that I can do fine without my people.
But then I see them and my soul gives a big smile, and I realize that I would go above and beyond for them, way bigger than stepping out of my comfort zone, and that they are so worth the pain of having to deal with whatever is hard.
Because relationships are hard.
Friendships are hard.

But often they are worth it, and my people, well my people are definitely worth it.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Sadness

I was super sad the other day.
I'm not sad anymore.
It's no longer time for sadness!
yup.

Happiness time.
Let's do this.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Prayers

My grandfather is having surgery in the morning, because of sudden health issues, and they don't know what's wrong but they're going to cut some stuff up and out and then biopsy and figure it out. And my mom is driving down to SC for the upcoming week. Which is also the last week of my class.
It's a huge week.

You're the first person I wanted to tell.
I wanted to text you and ask for prayers, because I don't know that many people who pray. Who send good thoughts and vibes.
Who have known me for as long as you have.
And we always send those texts, with the understanding that the other person loves us, and loves our family, and is always willing to send good wishes.
I don't pray much, but if you ask me to pray, I pray. Because I have this deep hope in my heart that you and your family will always be more than ok, and so I ask whatever I believe in to help that happen.

I didn't text you.
I didn't text anyone.
I don't really talk much, except to my parents.
I talk even less to Eric.
All of this talking requires a lot of mental breaks that make no sense, but all of a sudden I'm just quiet and have to look at them like "I don't know what happened, but right now I can't talk or think."
At first I compared it to when someone dies, how the world just looks different without them in it.

But that's not it.
The world looks exactly the same.
I just don't know how to see it anymore.

So if you're reading this, please pray for my grandfather.
----> And thanks for still watching the cats.
And if you're reading this and don't know what I'm talking about, and you know me, please don't ask. Me and the whole 'talking thing' aren't doing so well these days.

Monday, July 28, 2014

A late night/early morning free thought thingamajig

I hold them back from you, but you can hear them in my voice.
So many of them, or sometimes just a few swimming behind my eyelids.
Scrunched up to not let them out, they surface on special occasions.
Make lines down my face during high anxiety, when I'm alone they come out in waves, with you they stream down while my eyes turn down at the corners as if weighted.
They mostly come at night, or driving in the car. They come with memories and wishing my life were different, and not lacking in people that I love.
Tonight I wish I wasn't so fearful of losing my job in the morning, wish I wasn't always so fearful of a boss I have seemingly done nothing to displease but still always feel displeasure and dislike from. Above all of that, I wish I wasn't leaving you in the morning.
And also, I miss my dog.
Because she loved to lick the things that I always hold back, until I can't anymore. And before, she would come and lick them off my face and get excited because she was weird in a great way, and that would make me smile so much that I had to stop crying.


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Bible (A Heavenly Ramble)

Lately (ok, for a few days) I've been thinking about the Bible. And for a longer period of time, how much I miss God. I miss God like I miss a best friend, and I should know, because I've lost a best friend recently and that's a hole straight through the heart of sheer missing someone.
---> I super miss you, Steph. Wish you missed me too.
So yeah. This is already such a rambling post, so I'm just going to let it be good and rambly.
So I miss having God in my life.
And I've just recently started missing the Bible. Normally I'm right around here when it comes to the Bible:

but since I miss God and know that I want to go back to actively feeling like a part of him, I started thinking about the Bible. And I've realized that's not about me missing the Bible, because frankly it's never really jived with me. But it's a whole lot easier to go back to something if there's instructions. A guidebook. A way to tangibly think that you can communicate back and forth with God.

But obviously the Bible isn't for me, but it's just been so weird to realize how ingrained 10 years of Christian school was on me, for me to be like "Maybe...the Bible?" *insert weird looking face here*
So yes. Going back, in my heart. Going to try a Universal Unitarian church one of these days.
But not going back to the Bible. Never going back to thinking that Jesus is the only way to Heaven.
Still believing that there are animals in Heaven though, so a big finger in the air to those of you who like to try and convince people otherwise. Like you're experts on Heaven, geesh. 

I feel much more at peace with the idea of having God in my life, because I now know that I don't have to try and find some sort of compromise between Christians who won't accept me (you know, the whole 'only straight is ok' homophobia bullshit) and a loving God that they seem to only believe in sparingly vs the people who are actually ok and like to act like Jesus and not assholes (I think Jesus would have loved everyone. And you know, not been an asshole). So yeah, no compromise needed, because I'm not trying to be either, or fit in with either!
I'm just me.

I doubt I'll go back to believing in Jesus. Or if I do, I'll believe in him as a righteous dude and that's about it.


Saturday, July 5, 2014

The Earrings

Tonight I threw away The Earrings.
As in The Earrings that my ex gave me for our first (and last) Valentines Day together.
They were one of those things that I was keeping because I was trying to convince myself that I wanted to remember certain parts of us, the kind of remembering that you try to do so you don't feel like those 10 months were a big mistake.
So you don't feel stupid.

And you guys know that I don't believe in regrets, but when I think about him...darnnit I just feel sick. Maybe because he was so much to me at the time, and now Eric is the most to me, and I never want to look back.
Like, capital 'N', Never.
Maybe it's because I've found that I didn't realize how badly I was treated till someone treated me
better the best I've ever been treated. And this guy...treating me the best he can is a thing he tries to top all the time. It's a great love, and a great life.
And back then,
wasn't.

Tonight The Earrings just made me feel sick.
I don't want to remember any of it, except the things I learned.
And that's it.