Thursday, July 31, 2014

Prayers

My grandfather is having surgery in the morning, because of sudden health issues, and they don't know what's wrong but they're going to cut some stuff up and out and then biopsy and figure it out. And my mom is driving down to SC for the upcoming week. Which is also the last week of my class.
It's a huge week.

You're the first person I wanted to tell.
I wanted to text you and ask for prayers, because I don't know that many people who pray. Who send good thoughts and vibes.
Who have known me for as long as you have.
And we always send those texts, with the understanding that the other person loves us, and loves our family, and is always willing to send good wishes.
I don't pray much, but if you ask me to pray, I pray. Because I have this deep hope in my heart that you and your family will always be more than ok, and so I ask whatever I believe in to help that happen.

I didn't text you.
I didn't text anyone.
I don't really talk much, except to my parents.
I talk even less to Eric.
All of this talking requires a lot of mental breaks that make no sense, but all of a sudden I'm just quiet and have to look at them like "I don't know what happened, but right now I can't talk or think."
At first I compared it to when someone dies, how the world just looks different without them in it.

But that's not it.
The world looks exactly the same.
I just don't know how to see it anymore.

So if you're reading this, please pray for my grandfather.
----> And thanks for still watching the cats.
And if you're reading this and don't know what I'm talking about, and you know me, please don't ask. Me and the whole 'talking thing' aren't doing so well these days.

Monday, July 28, 2014

A late night/early morning free thought thingamajig

I hold them back from you, but you can hear them in my voice.
So many of them, or sometimes just a few swimming behind my eyelids.
Scrunched up to not let them out, they surface on special occasions.
Make lines down my face during high anxiety, when I'm alone they come out in waves, with you they stream down while my eyes turn down at the corners as if weighted.
They mostly come at night, or driving in the car. They come with memories and wishing my life were different, and not lacking in people that I love.
Tonight I wish I wasn't so fearful of losing my job in the morning, wish I wasn't always so fearful of a boss I have seemingly done nothing to displease but still always feel displeasure and dislike from. Above all of that, I wish I wasn't leaving you in the morning.
And also, I miss my dog.
Because she loved to lick the things that I always hold back, until I can't anymore. And before, she would come and lick them off my face and get excited because she was weird in a great way, and that would make me smile so much that I had to stop crying.


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Bible (A Heavenly Ramble)

Lately (ok, for a few days) I've been thinking about the Bible. And for a longer period of time, how much I miss God. I miss God like I miss a best friend, and I should know, because I've lost a best friend recently and that's a hole straight through the heart of sheer missing someone.
---> I super miss you, Steph. Wish you missed me too.
So yeah. This is already such a rambling post, so I'm just going to let it be good and rambly.
So I miss having God in my life.
And I've just recently started missing the Bible. Normally I'm right around here when it comes to the Bible:

but since I miss God and know that I want to go back to actively feeling like a part of him, I started thinking about the Bible. And I've realized that's not about me missing the Bible, because frankly it's never really jived with me. But it's a whole lot easier to go back to something if there's instructions. A guidebook. A way to tangibly think that you can communicate back and forth with God.

But obviously the Bible isn't for me, but it's just been so weird to realize how ingrained 10 years of Christian school was on me, for me to be like "Maybe...the Bible?" *insert weird looking face here*
So yes. Going back, in my heart. Going to try a Universal Unitarian church one of these days.
But not going back to the Bible. Never going back to thinking that Jesus is the only way to Heaven.
Still believing that there are animals in Heaven though, so a big finger in the air to those of you who like to try and convince people otherwise. Like you're experts on Heaven, geesh. 

I feel much more at peace with the idea of having God in my life, because I now know that I don't have to try and find some sort of compromise between Christians who won't accept me (you know, the whole 'only straight is ok' homophobia bullshit) and a loving God that they seem to only believe in sparingly vs the people who are actually ok and like to act like Jesus and not assholes (I think Jesus would have loved everyone. And you know, not been an asshole). So yeah, no compromise needed, because I'm not trying to be either, or fit in with either!
I'm just me.

I doubt I'll go back to believing in Jesus. Or if I do, I'll believe in him as a righteous dude and that's about it.


Saturday, July 5, 2014

The Earrings

Tonight I threw away The Earrings.
As in The Earrings that my ex gave me for our first (and last) Valentines Day together.
They were one of those things that I was keeping because I was trying to convince myself that I wanted to remember certain parts of us, the kind of remembering that you try to do so you don't feel like those 10 months were a big mistake.
So you don't feel stupid.

And you guys know that I don't believe in regrets, but when I think about him...darnnit I just feel sick. Maybe because he was so much to me at the time, and now Eric is the most to me, and I never want to look back.
Like, capital 'N', Never.
Maybe it's because I've found that I didn't realize how badly I was treated till someone treated me
better the best I've ever been treated. And this guy...treating me the best he can is a thing he tries to top all the time. It's a great love, and a great life.
And back then,
wasn't.

Tonight The Earrings just made me feel sick.
I don't want to remember any of it, except the things I learned.
And that's it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Random tearing up

Cause I just heard these lyrics in the background of a youtube video:
"I still believe in miracles,
I still believe in wedding rings,
I still believe the best walk you'll ever take is walking down the aisle."

And I flashed forward to me and my dad, waiting around the corner from the aisle that we'll walk down, waiting for Veronica to finish walking down so we can start our walk.
I know I'll look at him and ask if he feels like going for a walk.
And dammit I'm crying again cause DAMN that's a lot of emotion.
I know it's a few years away but it just doesn't feel like it.

And now I'm crying because I know that Cristen and Lane will walk down before Veronica, and then it'll be just us standing there, with my dad. And I'll wish Steph was there but she won't be. And that's ok on some level, because Veronica is my very best friend and it's gonna be incredible, cause damn I love that girl. And it's that sort of love that you know you have for a very best friend, because you'll share that incredibly-excited-it's-about-to-happen-I'm-literally-about-to-walk-down-the-aisle type of excitement, and that's a moment in time that you'll remember. Or at least I will.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

A ramble

So. My head is all jumbled, and I currently just want to lay down with my best friend and go to sleep.

So here's some thoughts.

I think some people's sense of time is fluid, and some aren't. Mine definitely isn't. If someone says "Let's do this at 10 or 11" I'm going to prepare myself for being somewhere at 10. So if they change it a few hours before and say "Oh wait, let's do it at 12" I'm going to have already planned my day for being free after 12, because in my mind I've allotted 2 hours max to do whatever we're supposed to do at 10. I like schedules. I operate on schedules. I don't just change my schedule (often), because I literally do not work that way.
That was always something that helped me relate to children with autism. They love their schedules, and some of them freak out if you try and change their schedule the day of. And honestly, part of me freaks out when someone wants to change my schedule. And recently I've had one person do it twice and then act snippy to me when I can't roll with the punches and do it on their time. But to me...if you're going to set a time, do it for a reason. A clock is a THING, am I right?!


Also.
I'm a big believer in not announcing baby names before the birth, sharing near future tattoo plans, or sharing on facebook when you're planning on getting a haircut.
I broke that rule (the haircut), and I definitely won't break it again.
It left me feeling silly for even caring about my hair for as many comments as the status got, and left me feeling weird towards the people who were like DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR, because there's this little voice inside me that says "When they see you now, with short hair, they're going to think to themselves that you should've kept it long, and that you're ugly now." And that is just a deep very real thing in the back of my head. A fear of being ugly.

But I know that I'm beautiful. There is such a strong light inside me that has this great voice of confidence that will randomly tell me "Baby, you are BEAUTIFUL, you just let it shine." And I am so damn grateful for that voice. I also know that people on facebook are just expressing their opinion. They're not saying "If you cut your hair you will look like either a weird Justin Bieber or a Conehead." Nope. They're just saying if they like your hair long or short. That's it.



I've started making Eric say 2 or 3 nice things about himself in the mirror every time he looks in it and says something derogatory about himself. It's got me thinking that:
1. I'm super hypocritical, because Lord knows I do it, I just happen to have a voice that comes against the negativity and goes:


2. Maybe everyone needs to do this. Maybe it needs to be normal that when you hear someone say something negative about themselves, you say "Ok, I'm gonna need to hear at least 2 things that you like about yourself." and then give the most expectant/I'm not letting you walk away before I hear these things-look. I wish this was a thing. Because I can always name more positive things than negative things about the women I know, but I sometimes wonder if they could name more positives than negatives about themselves. I wonder if I could.



Last but not least...
The last time I had my hair cut this short, I had a lot of people ask me if "I was a lesbian now."
I was quieter then.
And a lot of rude people got away with that question.
It's not going to go like that anymore. I've already had one person say "I feel like only models and lesbians look good with short hair cuts." And yeah, he probably didn't think before he said it, but he certainly got to think about my response "I don't think the length of your hair should have anything to do with sexual preference."
And oh honey, that was a nice response. I am fully ready to ask people why they think it's ok to ask me that. If I can now in return go up and ask strangers what their favorite sexual position is. Basically if you want to ask me if a haircut makes me a lesbian, I am fully ready to tell you that how much I like vaginas is not based on my hair, and that is none of your damn business.
Or I might just tell you that I've been bi for a very long time, and my hair doesn't affect that. Cause I will come out to you and make you feel awkward, because you deserve it if you want to ask such an ignorant question, even if to you it is "Just a joke."
Side note: I super love my hair. My glasses just make it awesome, and my love of big earrings. I still feel a little uncomfortable, mainly because of the whole facebook thing, but I've had a few people who are close to me tell me that they like it, and that's super nice. And at the end of the day I love it and think it's awesome. And it's just hair. And I feel really weird for having such strong opinions about it.