Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Some things I've learned

Being in love doesn't mean always being happy. I'm not always happy, guys. I am however, always loved. And always loving him. But happy? Naw, not always. Fighting is a thing.

Fighting isn't bad as long as it's communication (in my humble opinion). As long as it's not hurtful on purpose, and for a purpose. As long as both people feel heard, and still cared for.

Jobs that demand a ton of attention and heart are flippin HARD and make me miss the old days of not caring. While also making me love the days of not just going through the motions at a job (even though there are days that I just phone it in).

I can't even handle that song 'Do You Wanna Build A Snowman' because it's incredibly heartbreaking and sad.

I don't pretend to be my mom anymore, when it comes to doing hard things like having meetings like a grown up. Now I know that I can be me, a person who demands respect, listens, but still doesn't take shit. I don't have to keep a nice look on my face, I just can't have "can you just shut up for a hot second?" plastered all over it.

When life is cray hectic and friends are brought up, it makes me miss only a few of my friends. I don't know when that happened, but I do think it gives me a peek into my grown up life: having friends that are awesome, but being ok with them coming and going. Having easy faith that the dear ones will always be dear.

I hate that I haven't blogged. It's messed up. I'm...gonna try and fix that!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Don't promise we won't break up

Don't promise you won't leave. That isn't what I need.

Promise that you'll love me forever.
Promise that even when we fight that your heart will still belong to me.
Promise me that when we're exhausted and we have tons of kids and it doesn't seem like we have anything in common, that you'll still hold my hand and kiss me goodnight and work on getting new shared hobbies.
Promise that when we're old you'll try your best to not look better than me, even though you'll be 2 years younger.
Promise that we'll always laugh.
But don't promise that you'll never leave.
Because that's just a given.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Beautiful.

And tonight you make me want to break every mirror, because all you see in them is the shape of your body, but all I can ever see when I look at you is your huge heart inside of a body that holds mine close. You might hate your body but I know that I could never live without your body next to mine, and your eyes betray you when you look in that glass, but I dive into those same eyes and swim in our future, and it’s beautiful darling.
Just like you.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Abby

So. Why I haven't been blogging how I used to:
In october my dog died. And I watched her die. And I breathed her last breath with her, and when I opened my eyes she was gone. And I held her and she wasn't even the same weight that she used to be, because I guess your spirit actually weighs something. And now she's in our backyard and nothing will ever be the same. And I still see her walk next to mom and I still hear her I.D. tag jingle against her collar every once in a while, and some people would say that's just a memory, but her and I both know it's not.
And I got her I.D. tag tattooed on my ribs because not having her around hurts so much, and I wanted the physical remembrance of her on my body to hurt, because nothing about losing her was easy.

And then I went through my iPod and got a lot of pictures of her, because I wanted them to not just be on that little thing, which was great because I lost it shortly after that.
So here's some pictures of my sweet girl.





And she was my oldest friend, because we got her after my uncles and grandmother and my 3 pets had died, and she really liked to lick tears. Which sounds weird, but it made her really excited and happy, which had to just make you smile. We got her when I was 8, and she was with us for 16 years. And she went deaf but was actually pretty good with sign language.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Updates

Cause life is happening!
Well. I have a job now! A part time, 25 hours a week, actually will help me in my life/look great on my resume/help me get into grad school type of job. It's lovely and scary and honestly if I could just get in my car and drive away from it all I would, so that must mean it's gonna be awesome!

Eric has a job. Yay yay yay. It's a very big deal for my guy, because...well he wants to put a ring on it! And this is a giant step towards that. As well as saving for our future and stuffs.

We're planning on moving in together this fall. We actually made our first purchase for our future house a few days ago, when plates were super on sale at Target, and we both liked them (without even consulting the other first! whabam!)

Sometimes I worry that my friends think that my romantic relationship overshadows the love that I have for them. So I hope you know, my dearest friends, that I could not live without Eric in my life.
And I also could not live without you. Not in a different way either. You have my heart, and you've had it for a very long time. There is no overshadowing here, I am thankful for you everyday, truly.

It's crazy how much planning moving in together takes (oh, and did I mention moving to at least a few hours away at the same time?) Yeah, that's a thing. And I kind of love it. I love the idea of a month or so before we need to move, driving up there for a weekend and trying our hardest to sign a lease. Why are we moving? We're moving so Eric can go to grad school (I'll be going to grad school online, starting at the beginning of 2015, cause ain't no way I'm gonna start school with moving, finding a full time job, and having to live with a boy)(who may or may not have COOTIES)

Getting engaged. Ok, I'm not engaged. But guys.......guys.
I can't even think about it. It's so right and it feels like it never has before. It feels like future family.

I want a power drill so bad. I can't wait to DIY stuff. I know that's not an update, but I just felt like sharing that even girls can and do use and enjoy power tools.

I've never been able to sit down with someone that I knew would be with me for the rest of my life before now. But it's happened, and to be able to plan places, and schooling, and marriage, and LIFE is amazing. You guys...I know when we plan on starting to have a family. And that is just amazing to me.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Dear Ex

(The longer I'm treated right, loved the way I deserve and cherished the way I never was in my past relationship, the more I work through my past. I'm healing and I love it.)

Dear Jonathan Ex,
When we first broke up I didn’t want to take off my ring, because I loved it so much.
In reality, much more than you loved it.
You didn’t even like me wearing it on my left ring finger, because the idea of marrying me scared you.
It scared us both, and I should’ve realized sooner.
But I moved the ring to a different finger, called it my own, and was okay.
I was okay with being friends, and sometimes still loving you, and sometimes still missing you.
You became not scared of marrying me.
I became scared of settling for you.
Eventually I took off the ring all together.
My hands were bare, but I learned to own my singleness presented in the form of ringless fingers.
Fingers intertwined with mine that were not yours.
Hands came and went but rings stayed away.
I learned to resent you, because I was finally seeing all the ways you treated me wrong.
But now…
I wear a different ring, put on my finger proudly.
I don’t resent you with a bitter heart anymore, because my heart is no longer mine.
It’s being taken care of in a way that you never did.
I am loved in a way that you never loved me.
And I am so thankful for that.
Thankful that you treated me wrong, because it drove me to a guy who only treats me right.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Hungry (A rant & a plea)

I've always heard that a certain number of Americans go to bed hungry every night, and no matter the number it's always obviously too high, because no one should have to.
I am never included in that number...
except when I'm here.

I'm currently visiting my awesome people in Texas, and as much as I truly love being here, it's insanely hard to wake up hungry and know that unless there is someone around who can drive you to go and get food, that you will be hungry for the next few hours. The same is true coming home from hanging out with my friend who doesn't live in this house, I want to ask her if we can stop for food but I know she's sleepy and sick, so I know that for the next 4 or more hours that I stay awake, I will be insanely hungry.

I am coming to equate San Antonio has being hungry (and cold, because no one turns on their heat here, even though it's 33 degrees outside. But that's neither here nor there). And I'm aware that some people reading this might think I'm bitching, and I'm sure to some of you I am.

But.
I'm hungry.
I'm so hungry.
And I hate this.
If I was home, I could eat. I would be warm. I would be happy. I wouldn't wonder when my next meal would be.
I wouldn't spend money every day on food, because I would just have food at my house.
Normally I cherish my time here, and I still do. But it's at night sitting in a very cold house being very hungry that I find myself desperately wishing that I was just home.

Side note: Maybe if I was more pushy and whatnot that I would just ask all the time if people could drive me to go and get food. That's not who I am. People live here and go about their days here. They relax here after work. I don't want to ask them at midnight if we can go and get food, or even at 11 o'clock in the morning if we can go somewhere, anywhere, because I feel like I haven't eaten for 12 hours (because I haven't).

Rant over.
My plea: if you have food in your house, be thankful. If it is winter outside and the heat is on in the place where you are staying, be thankful.
And if you have wonderful people around you, like I do, be thankful.

I know that in 11 days I will be back home in Virginia, back to eating food whenever I want but there will still be many people out there who don't have that luxury of going home to food, because they are home and there is no food. And that is not okay.