Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Things Have Changed

This picture was taken June of 2012, I was 22 and I had just gotten out of my first big time relationship. Most of us have been there, realize that you need a profile picture that doesn't isn't one of you two and then you realize "oh wait, the last time I took a picture alone was almost a year ago, and the last picture that's just of me is one that he took" so you inevitably get out your camera, or in this case open up your lap top and you set out to show him that you are just and happy without him.
Hence the cocky smile.

And so this picture might not say much to you, especially if you know that we later got back together for all of almost 2 months. But short lived mistakes aside, this picture says so much to me, and means so much to me.
It means "I'm stronger. I'm worth more. I will never be scared of a man again."

Jump forward. This is two plus years later and once again a new profile picture. December of 2014 and I need a new profile picture, because in my last one it was our one year anniversary.
I thought this was a great moving forward picture until today when I looked at it to compare, and I notice how tired I look. There are darker bags under my eyes than normal and boy am I trying to hold it together.
The smirk is the same though.

And that gives me great joy.

Today I feel like I should post a new picture, because I've finally stopped looking behind me. I've unfriended and deleted his number. Today is the first day of whatever lies in front of me.

And I gotta tell you, it feels amazingly good. Good to only cary my weight. My happiness depends on me and not on someone else's insane baggage. I know I'll be sad, but I know sooner rather than later I'll be happy. Also, so much has gone on sense the breakup but I haven't blogged about it, or vlogged about it. That's because I'm going to be making a new vlogging channel and leaving my blog a bit behind. I want to start writing a book, 'Things I Know At 25' and really spending some time on my channel.

I might throw up some stuff on here once in a while, and I'll definitely keep it online. Who knows, maybe I'll hate vlogging and come back. But no matter what I'll be moving forward, but keeping the knowledge I've gained.

---> And if you're wondering, I didn't take a new picture today. Instead I put up the old picture, from 2002, because of that damn everlasting smirk that just always says "I'm going to be ok."

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Mirror of Erised

The Mirror of Erised shows the most desperate desire of a person's heart, a vision that has been known to drive men mad. "The happiest man on earth would be able to use the mirror like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is."

When Harry looked into the mirror he saw himself reflected back at him, surrounded by his mother and father, and other long dead relatives. His deepest desire was to be with his family.

I don't know what I would see if I looked into the mirror.

A strong independent man by my side, full of devotion and drive?
A future full of me helping people, helping drive the sadness from them or at least making it more manageable?
Me, walking in a beautiful new place, fully accepting the secret outlandish style hidden within me, surrounded in a cloak of my own self acceptance and love?
Would it be me, content wherever I am and whomever I'm with?

I have no idea.
I feel like I should know.
I want to strive toward something, because that's who I am.
I don't want to finish graduate school and realize that I'm still not truly happy.

Joseph Campbell said "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." And I'm wondering...what do I shed? What dreams do I hold on to?

I had a thought today that leaving your friend and family is supposed to be hard, dreadfully deeply soul wrenchingly hard, because that's how we know what dreams are worth following. If we're willing to move away from everything and everyone to follow that dream, then it's pretty damn important.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Yay haters!

Guys, I got my first hater on the blog! Obviously I didn't publish their comment, cause bitches gonna bitch but that doesn't mean that you have to give them the time of day, but how funny is it! It's crazy, cause you always see these crazy people on youtube videos saying the meanest things they can think of, and some people really lash out against them, but I feel like most people have a general understanding that the rude people who comment on other people's things are just deeply unhappy people with ugly souls.
So today I deleted a comment that was meant to be hurtful, and instead of feeling hurt or angry towards the girl who wrote it, instead I feel sorry for her. It must be hard to be her, especially around the holidays, when she sees so many people being truly joyful and instead of feeling happiness and love in her heart, she just has...
whatever people with ugly souls have. Bitterness instead of a heart?
Who knows.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

There's a moment

after you've broken up that all of a sudden you decide "I'm going to do it!"
'It' being sign up for a dating site. For someone of you your 'it' moment might be to go out drinking, or decide to go hook up, or even decide to change your relationship status on facebook.
Well, my 'it' was to sign up for online dating. Which is difficult in itself because that's where we met, where our connection presparked and we both closed out accounts completely happy. And here I am, making a brand new one as a sign for...hope?
Hope in my future.
Hope for something.

That 'it' moment was definitely taken down a peg when I went to go find a photo of myself, and the one that I liked was a selfie that I took on our one year anniversary, 20ish days ago. I had just finished getting ready for our date to a fancy restaurant and hadn't left the bathroom yet.
There was hope in that picture.
So I went on facebook to find a good picture of myself that I liked. But the pictures of me also have my favorite person in them: him.
And that's when my 'it' moment changes into a sad moment. A different moment. A knowing things are really different now moment.

Monday, December 15, 2014

We broke up

There, super simple.
You know, she asked me why I feel bitter. And it just seemed so obvious, but then I started thinking about it and it felt like tentacles waving in the breeze, the bitterness spread like pollen in the air, thin wafting particles, spreading. Hard to catch, but easy to be effected by.
I'm watching my love for you be tainted by what's happening in your life now that I'm not in it. I'm watching the people that don't treat you right  come out of the woodworks to collect your broken pieces, watching them get smiles from you even though they had a hand in the very broken pieces they are picking up. You have to treat something like us with care and respect, or else we shatter. Our love wasn't strong enough to hold us because your father was constantly chipping away at us, always.
But in the end you couldn't be without him, the person who has done nothing but tear you down and declare that he has every right for doing so.  You tell him he needs to change and he tells you to go see a psychologist, because apparently something is wrong with you.
I was what was wrong with you. But now you want to see how he'll act without me, even though it doesn't really matter. At least not to me. We're over, so no matter how he acts I'm not there. You don't have anyone to hold your and fall asleep with you at night, so why does it matter how he acts now?
No matter what he does, we both know that he's the one why you're falling asleep alone, the reason why I returned the gift you gave me when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Why you're not saving for a ring.
If I had been you I would have bet on the sure thing.
People say that there's no such thing as a sure thing, but there s, or at least there should be. A mother's child runs into the road: Sure Thing: That mom will risk her life to save her child.
Sure Thing: I would never treat you how he has. He's had 22 years of being nice to you, you cling to this. What do I see though? 22 years to bond to a son that he is willing to crush via text anytime throughout the day, tearing him down about his dreams of the future, his girlfriend, his weight, his mom. Anything to make you feel guilty.
He's not a stranger that doesn't know you, he's your father who has spent over 20 years bonding to you. I wish you could see how much worse that makes his actions.
Your friend told you that she wished that we weren't together, because...well, because she's a self-centered bitch who never even bothered to know me, she just liked that your past girlfriend would listen enraptured to her. But I can get over that because she doesn't know me, she gives no shit. She never did. And that's fine, because I don't know her. Strangers hurting you hurts a lot less then family.
When family purposefully hurts you, thats an informed hurt. They knew what they were doing. They know what your face looks like when you cry, they've most likely held you when you were in tears. And they know that with their words  you will cry, and that they will not be there to hold you.
A parent should be torn apart by that, a parent should not say something to purposefully hurt their child for just that reason: they've seen them cry.
They saw you cry when you gulped your first breath of air in. When you skinned your knee, when the kid in elementary school was a jerk to you (because that's what kids in elementary school do). They watched you get crushed by someone in middle school, maybe a bully or a girl, and they built you back up, each and every time. Because they loved you and to them, you are amazing, and always worth building up. They never want to see you cry, because your pain is there pain. They would take your pain if they could, even tripled. Because they are your parents, and love had a new definition when you were born.
That's who he is, your parent. Knowing all of that, experiencing all of that, he has chosen to hurt you so incredibly deeply on so many occasions that we both have lost count.

But apparently I'm the bad guy who thinks that you shouldn't accept that, shouldn't have that in your life. So yeah...
that's why I'm bitter. Because sometimes sucky people win in the end. And good people get to not fall asleep holding hands.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Sometimes you have to kick people to the curb.

I've been there. Throughout my life I've had relationships, both friendships and romantic relationships that were just plain not good. And as I've grown I've realized that hen we're younger we think that bad relationships just mean between a guy and a girl, and the guy yells or hits the girl, and that's what it means to be in a bad relationship.
But it's not. That's not the only way at least. I can tell you that I've been in a lot more bad friendships than relationships. I've had friends that take advantage of me, or use me for my car, or treat me like I'm just there to tag a long. And although I never got yelled at, I did feel less then. I felt special when I was with them, sure, because they acted like I should feel special to be with them. But they didn't make me feel special for me. I've had a few friendships where the person just wasn't a healthy person, and that rubbed off on me. I think it helps that I can easily be a codependent person, meaning that my emotions get tied into others easily. So friendships with very selfish people pretty quickly meant that my good days were only when they were having good days, but also became so focused on them that I lost the joyous part of me.
I've had friendships where the person didn't value my time, and I ended up resenting them and exploding on them, after having many fights. Looking back I should have just ended the friendship long before it exploded, and just called it a day. I've learned that bad relationships are just because you have a bad friend, often they bring out the bad in you too. Sometimes you can be that bad friend. Sometimes it takes two to tango. I've been unhealthy for someone, and they were unhealthy for me.
And that's weirdly hard to admit, but it's true.

Once I started growing up and having different friends, I realized my worth, not in my friends but in myself. I also embraced my introvert-ness, in that I do not need to have a huge group of friends, that it is beyond ok to have a handful of extremely close friends that I hold dear. And so I do. I do not have friends that make me feel less than, or like I am a tag a long. I have people that I cherish, and that cherish me. And I have that because I have kicked people out of my life. I've walked away. I've seen a relationship or a person for what/who they were, and called it a day. I've known that I didn't want that type of negativity in my life, and blocked it off. It sucks and it can make you sound heartless, but normally when you share the why with people, the part where now you have extremely close friends who are good for you, and you are good for them, they get it. It's the whole "rain before the rainbow" type of stuff.

And I'm thankful for it.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Christian tattoos

So I'm going to be applying for grad schools this time next year, and I need to start making an art portfolio, which has led me to contacting my facebook friends and asking them the meaning behind their tattoos. Clearly I can't tell you more or else you might:
a. Rain on my parade (boo you whore!)
b. Steal my idea (rude!)

And I'm finding that a ton of my friends have Christian meanings behind their tattoos, because even though I'm not a Christian, I used to go to a Christian school (how many times in a sentence can I use the word 'Christian' you may ask? Apparently way more than I would have ever hoped.) and it's hard, because...I wasn't planning on going deep into the faith side of tattoos. I don't want to explain God in this, I just want stories. And basically...I want to tell these stories very simply. And I'm just straight up not a fan of explaining God in a simple way. I find that if I tell you that "I got this tattoo because I love Jesus!" a lot of you might think "Oh geesh." roll your eyes and walk away (mentally at least, you're too polite to actually walk away), and you know what, I'd be joining you.

Now don't get me wrong, the stories I've gotten so far aren't cliche! Mainly because they've been explained in paragraph form, and I know that these awesome people aren't preaching at me, they really choose to live life with God at the front and center of it, and I can respect them for it because they aren't hateful people, quite the opposite.

But remember. I wanted this to be simple. Not cliche. Not long.
And honestly, not Godly.
But I also wanted it to be real. To be people I know. To be people that even though I don't keep up with them, our lives have touched, even if it's through a friend of a friend who is hooking up two people who love tattoos.

I don't want to make up these people. I want these to be real stories, with real skin and real ink.
But dangit...I just don't want it to be 20 pages of Jesus.