Sunday, October 26, 2014

How do you hear?

How do you hear? When I hear this song, what I hear is different then what my best friend hears. He hears a powerful a song, but just a song. And lying here listening to this song, I am so filled with emotion. I remember singing this song with thousands of other people at a Christian conference, most of us crying, and the huge emotions and intense presence of God with us as we sang. And I still feel that, and I still hear that. I don't just hear Chris Tomlin singing it, or me singing it, but all of us. Reading the lyrics I wish that this song wasn't about "our God" and about "this nation", because I don't believe in the Christian God anymore. I just believe in God. And I think if God has anything to do with America, it's because...well, I don't really know. I don't know how God can be more or less involved with any nation, anywhere.
But God is just God to me. I don't know if he's the God that this song is singing about. I'm just not sure.
But I know that when I hear this song, I still feel those emotions. And I still want to cry and feel overwhelmed, and most of all feel not alone.

Saturday, October 25, 2014


Tonight I was a zombie in a haunted house! It was awesome getting to do scary makeup, on the way over I told my mom that if this was the norm for girls, that I would easily wear it every day. I'm just never have to worry about hiding the bags under your eyes!

Zombie Selfie! 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Funny. Obviously.

I haven't had an iPod in over a year, so needless to say my Instagram has been pretty baren as of late. But before I lost my iPod I made a video called 'The different emotions of when the guy you like stops talking to you' and it is still one of the funniest things to me.
I have weird humor.
But I find it hilarious.
So I figured I'd share it!

Click here to watch this thing!

Saturday, October 18, 2014


I sat on the aisle and I cried in short bursts, hoping that no one would notice. And I shook. I had just kissed you, my first kiss, and now I was flying back across the country, towards home. I watched the sun rise out the plane window and I wished that I had kissed you sooner, not waited so long. I wished that one day you would accept us and not feel that God hated you for loving me.
Later I would find myself wishing that I could live up to your idols. Wishing that you would love me like you loved them.
Years later I wished I had known that we fought so much because of how angry and guilty you felt, for having feelings toward me. I always knew that my family would accept me, but looking back I see how distraught you must've felt knowing how incredibly angry your family would be at you if they knew about us.

Now I wish you happiness. I have for a while now. I wish you happiness in your own skin, in your own sexuality. I hope you kiss who you long to kiss and not who your parents think you should. I hope you feel acceptance from a God that you so want to love you. I know that if God knows your heart like I knew your heart, I know that he must love you immensely.

I held your hand on this drive.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

My purity ring, Christian school, God and sex

For ten years I went to a very Christian school, with plaid and chapel every week, and times where they had everyone stand up in the middle of the room and made you decide that, if Jesus came back right now, would you go to heaven or hell, and depending where you thought you would go determined what side of the room you went and stood on. And then everyone on the Heaven side would look at the kids on the Hell side and feel bad for them. And that happened more than a few times. And when I was older I would just sit there, and not a pick a side, because quite frankly I knew that it was bullshit and that the God I believed in, the God I had been taught loved yo more than your parents, like your parents but a million times more in fact, would send me to hell for anything other than out right killing someone, then I did not care to participate in this "game".

But I did wear a purity ring, because I liked it. It wasn't really to show any of the guys in my school that they couldn't have sex with me, cause really no one wanted to. I was just Erin, fun and sarcastic, who treated everyone the same. I'm still that person, but now I know that guys do want to have sex with me, because I'm a female with boobs, and that means that often the majority of guys would indeed like to have sex with me, given the choice. I knew that I wanted to save myself for marriage, because sex seemed beautiful (and potentially awkward) and I didn't want to do that with someone I didn't deeply care about. Till I was...15 and then it was no holds barred. But I still didn't have sex, because I went to the same very Christian school, and those same boys that I knew in second grade were now just older versions of themselves, and quite frankly: ew. You can't have sex with someone when you knew them in second grade. They were the closest I had to siblings that I didn't live with, so that wasn't happening. And I guess I felt guilty about having huge urges, but mainly I just knew I wanted to have sex, cause doesn't every teenager?

The purity ring went off and on, as I grew up and knew that I liked girls just as much as guys and in the Christian world there really didn't seem like much point of a purity ring cause you've promised yourself to God when you also know that you're bi and your youth pastor preaches against it like you're innately wrong. But I grew up with liberal parents so I knew that I had no issue with God, but with Christians. Cause God was still that all loving amazing God, but they were the ones telling everyone that God loves you but just kidding only if you do things his way. Which is weird since he seemingly made all of his children pretty damn different...

Anywho. Eventually I left church, after going through fights with some Christian friends, feeling their judgement when it often was not there in the least. Hanging out with people who walked all over me, because they were so different then my old church friends that I felt I needed to be accepted by them to truly be out of church, to be my own person. But in most of my entire life, I had always been my own person, and eventually I realized that and picked my friends based on their true awesomeness and loving hearts, and decided to give no shits if they went to church or not. And so now I have Christian friends and nonChristian friends and quite frankly I often don't know which friends are in which category, and I like that.

When I finally did have sex I had it with someone I was in a relationship with. I never felt guilty about it. I've never felt guilty about anything sexually, honestly. And not because I avoid thinking about God like the plague, because I don't. I know that the love I have is connected with him, because I do still believe, on some level, that God is love. I've only felt guilty about hating people. About holding on to anger. About not handling a situation right when if I had stopped and shown that person love, they would not have gotten their feelings hurt. (I'm aware that list was crazy random, but this post doesn't super have a huge purposeful theme.)

If you're wondering where the inspiration for this post came from, I just happened to watch this video presented by The Moth, which is a nonprofit organization that is dedicated to keeping storytelling alive. And this video was awesome and though provoking, and well, now I've gone and provoked all my thoughts, and all that's left is to share the video that inspired the sharing of them!


So I just recently found out that one of my boyfriend's friends (his one friend who is a girl) doesn't like me. I found that out cause she told him that "It sure is a shame that you and 'past girlfriend' didn't work out.) #bitchlife
And I just had a very real conversation with my mom about it, because I happen to know that I haven't been around this girl enough for her to not like me, and honestly, she wasn't around my boyfriend's past girlfriend enough to like her.

But here's what I do know.
Since I've started dating Eric, he's learned what it's like for someone to value his time and his opinion. To want to hear what he has to say. To be an actual true friend. And because I'm me and I have amazing friends, he's seen what friendship looks like.

It doesn't look like someone walking all over you. It doesn't look like being afraid to say something because you're "scared of confrontation". If someone is your friend you should be confident enough in that to let them know when they've....oh I don't know...

Said something super shitty 

Or continue to walk all over you. Or want to be the boss of the whole conversation. Or basically just want you to sit there and listen so she can talk and talk about her life even though you never asked her any questions about it, and then when he doesn't say "How high?" when you say "Jump", then you blame his girlfriend for giving him confidence.

But you know what?
I've been there.
I've been my boyfriend.
I've been a pushover, a people pleaser.
And I've had some really shitty "friends" who really just want you to sit there and listen and be amused at what you say. They want you to be their audience, along for the wonderful ride of their life.
And I've found that there is a difference between being a people pleaser and then actually valuing yourself. You can value yourself and still want to help everyone, to give your heart freely, to like and to love people, I should know, I do that. I love to help people. And I also value myself. There is no "but" in there, there is no "I love to help people but I also love myself and value my time". No no, they go together. And when you realize that, sometimes what you thought were amazing friends start to look different to you. But the nice thing is, there are amazing people out there who will not walk all over you. Who will want to give in the friendship as much as you do. Who will value you for you and not just what you bring to their life.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014


I am reaching my breaking point.
Slowly, like a rope untwisting, fibers stretching taught, small fragments breaking curling in on itself.
Seemingly holding strong but getting weaker with the strain, the present strain, the added strain. The grinding happens, against and towards the fibers, in my mouth, against my molars.
Stress is hard on weak ropes and teeth.

People think that things have to visibly change for things to break, but internally is just as important as cracks on the outside. Water bubbles and boils right before you see the steam rising from the pot. Paths change in the mind often before the feet stray, so when they reach their new path the mind has known for a while where the feet were going, even if they themselves thought they were lost.

Inevitable. Sometimes shattering is inevitable. Long or short, the strain on the rope takes a toll, and most don't know when it will break. Maybe the rope doesn't even know.

But maybe it's not inevitable. Maybe the rope will hold. Who knows? I certainly don't.